My Blog

funny how my life goes. things that I thought I have left behind, keeps haunting me. just that sometimes I don’t think I can stay like this anymore. I never wanted to run away from anything, NEVER! Not even flinch! but I don’t know why the thought of running away is now there. have I gotten to the point where enough is enough?! the question I always have is why I and the martyrdom are just sooooo attached? it’s always the case, being the martyr. no need other people to confirm it, I just know. sometimes I just get so sick and tired of having other people decide what I should go through in my life. sick and tired of people thinking I am the strongest woman alive, sick and tired of people misuse and abuse my being kind to them, misuse and abuse my love. my consent has never been their issue, but they always ask me to understand what they need and always want to be heard! people just think their problems are the hardest, the heaviest, they lean on me, begging to be understood, but when it comes to my turn to say something, they just don’t listen. a good thing that my heart is not made of crystal, but I get to the point where I don’t think I can fix it anymore. just go, okay!!! go and have fun! just don’t look back, I don’t want to see you anymore…

sekali lagi "kematian" itu datang lagi. sekali lagi "pembunuhan" itu harus terjadi lagi. mungkin memang pola ini harus selalu berulang, sperti siklus yang tak ‘kan pernah berhenti. capek! sedih! marah! pastinya… tapi udah nggak ngerti lagi mesti bikin apa. buat kamu yang pernah "bunuh" aku, berbahagialah dengan hidup kamu. hargai apa yang kamu miliki, karena paling tidak sudah satu "nyawa" melayang untuk kebahagiaan itu, aku…

"If words can express what I feel for you, all books ever published put together would pale in comparison. If all the water in the oceans can be used as the ink to write what you mean to me, there would not be oceans left in this world. If I could whisper the happines I feel to be a small part in your life, there would never be air left for other people to breathe… Thank you for opening your heart to let me be a part of your life…"

*Dedicated to someone who has brought me back the light…

We never know what events in life would lead us to big events following it and great people to take the best parts of our lives as turns of events are concepts so foreign to our knowledge as human beings.

Little did I know that a ”harmless” hang out with a group of people would lead me to get to know another group of people dearest to my heart…

Little did I know that “background” music would bring the songs in my life since then on…

Filling my every core of being to attune to whatever music I hear afterwards.

Sitting there in a lounge of a prominent hotel lounge, and joking around had never brought precious things in my life before, except for the hanging-out itself, but this time it was different. A group of nice people with such great talents prove to be the group of people I can afterwards call friends, good friends. First, I was deeply enchanted with what they had to offer while singing the difficult numbers with such ease that I came wondering how they rehearse and manage to get away with such difficulties. Then I got to see how they could beautifully “chat” using the universal language called music to their surroundings. How they communicated as if they were talking to me, to everyone in the room individually…

Little did I know that from a simple hello, I fell in love with them. In love with the beauty each and every member of the group represents, in love with their strength, harmony, mystery, sweetness, fun, humble yet dignified nature. I was in love with the friendly quality in them.

Not just anyone I could take with me to “worship” good music and share the friendship that these beautiful people had to offer, I brought along another good friend with me, another beautiful person to add up to the bunch.

Little did I know that the friendship grows to something really precious and special. Little did I know that I’ve come to learn a lot from these beautiful people I can later proudly call as friends.

One thing for sure, they showed me that being professional at what you’re doing and staying humble is difficult but not impossible. You can be a star on your own life-stage but you are still the girl/boy next door in your day-to-day life.

Little did I know how six pieces of my heart flew away with them, but something I did (and still do) know for sure, that the friendship does not end here, it does not end with them being far away… In my heart of hearts I know I always have friends in them as they will always have friend in me…

Thank you for the lessons you’d never known you taught me and the happiness you brought me -you brought us, brothers and sisters…J

Jakarta

, November 8, 2005; 1:14 AM

To you Allegria: Juliene, Jing, Len, Jeremy, Gerard and Jeff.

The clock is ticking, trying its earnest to intimidate me with it’s constant nagging. Guess, I almost get carried away and on the verge of blowing up with the intimidation, but what the heck, it’s just a clock, for God’s sake!:)

Too many things worth more thoughts and concentration than just to be intimidated by a silly thought of a clock, namely the oil price, the victims of wars, the world’s peace (to quote the corny-but-entertaining Miss Congeniality:D), or merely just think about why I have acne at this age. Hormone is responsible, I bet!

Anyways, just let the clock ticking, let hearts mending, let pain going and let the world revolving as it finds the way to do so. Things might not the way they used to be, might not the way we want them to be, but it’s all good.

One annoying someone constantly reminding me that "Heartbreaks are the greatest capital to undergo changes". Couldn’t grasp the idea at first, but thinking it over, it’s just all good.

Tick-tock, let the clock ticking, I’m all smile, I’m all good. Anger evaporates, pain disappears, heartbreak goes away. Learning goes on, with the rythmic ticking of the clock. Learning to free myself of the negative energy burdening. Learning to let go of the pain looking at others in pain. Learning to stay positive in life, with the ticking of the clock…

Tick-tock…

Jakarta, 27 September 2005

Should this be the avenue to let it all go out, so be it…
Should this be the path to make it heard, so be it…
Should this be the road to a peaceful mind, so be it…
Just to share one thing, for sure, things might not be the way they seem to be.

So if this is the way to do it, the battlefield is open, or
Might as well forget it all…

The pain is too painful to bear, I know
The hurtful feeling is way too great to mend, I’m sure
The life you lead is too flawed to ignore, I understand
but if this is the way to let you know the truth, so be it… or
Might as well forget it all…

God knows how I love you inspite of the guilty feeling I have
God knows I’m thinking of you everytime I talk to other people
God knows I was not pretending to be others while talking to you and
God knows I was myself when I said I love you…
But if the truth will do you more damage than good
Might as well forget it all…

20 September 2005; 18:05

Bila waktu itu datang, waktu bagiku untuk menyampaikan rasa yang telah lama tersimpan. Perasaan bersalah yang sekarang menderaku, yang mungkin bisa membebaskanmu seperti itu juga akan membebaskanku.

Bila saat itu tiba, saat bagiku menyampaikan keluhku atas apa yang telah kuperbuat padamu, atas apa yang telah membuatmu menyesali hidup yang kau jalani, yang mungkin akan membuatmu kembali tersenyum seperti apa yang mungkin kualami.

Bila titik itu menjelang, titik dimana aku dapat mengakui rasa yang aku punya untukmu, mungkin itu akan membuatmu tenang seperti ketenangan yang pasti akan kurasa setelah mengakuinya.

Percayalah, apa yang ingin kau sampaikan, telah lama kupahami. Percayalah, siapapun ia,ia adalah seseorang yang sangat berbahagia dengan apapun yang kau punya untuknya, karena dia adalah aku.

Bila keberanian itu datang, keberanian yang akan membawaku mengatakan padamu bahwa dia adalah aku, mungkin kebahagiaan itu akan menjadi milikmu, seperti juga kutahu bahwa itu akan menjadi milikku setelah apa yang terlewati.

Mungkin, bila semua berawal dari langkah yang tepat, semua ini tak akan terjadi. Semua perasaan bersalah yang sekarang ini telah berkembang menjadi sesuatu yang tak pernah terpikirkan sebelumnya, akan menjadi sesuatu yang indah tanpa harus terbebani dengan harapan-harapan palsu yang kau miliki.

Tuhanku, semua berawal dari andai. Pengandaian yang tak beresiko, yang pada akhirnya menjeratku masuk pada dunia yang membingungkanku. Maafkan aku Tuhan, atas segala yang telah kulakukan padanya. Maafkanku Tuhan, atas segala sakit yang telah kubuat untuknya hingga air mata mengalir dan rasa sakit menderanya. Semoga ia dapat memafkanku seperti kubermohon maaf itu terentang untukku dari-Mu…

Mungkin suatu saat, dunia ini akan menjadi indah, bagimu dan bagiku. Indah yang selama ini menjadi mimpimu.

Jakarta, 19 September 2005; 17:10

"Saat kuukirkan sakit itu padamu, kuukir juga sakit yang sama dalam aku. Saat kuleburkan impianmu,kulebur juga impian indahku atasmu. Saat kubuat kau menangis menahan getir karenaku, kutangisi pula getir itu. Semoga kau maafkanku atas lukamu seperti aku juga mencoba maafkan diriku atas semua kesalahanku karena mencintaimu… Tuhanku, pinjami aku ikhlas-Mu atas  hancurku, pinjami aku maaf-Mu atas salahku dan pinjami aku cinta-Mu atas luruhku. Biarkan kubersujud memohon ampun-Mu atas bodohku…"

Jakarta, 18 September 2005; 02:33 AM

"Love comes in the unexpected time time, to unexpected people, from the unexpected someone in their lives. My deepest apology to bring you the unexpected pain and sadness, ‘coz I love you unexpectedly…"

Everything might’ve started as a big game. Intentionally orchestrated or not. The ending is always unexpected no matter how good you’re planning the plot will go. Feeling is one of the many things in life you cannot predict, it’s there to constantly reminding you that whatever you do will definitely affect those around you. True that life is nothing but a big stage you’re performing on, but the Master of Directing is still the Almighty with HIS best-laid plans no one ever suspects nor predicts.

Be true to yourself as you don’t know when the real feeling of yours will strike to the core of your being when you least expect it. Being in constant guard is tiring, and you need to let it down to get the real you and the real feeling flowing in to your heart.

Love is not a game, as others might see it that way. It’s out there, waiting to get to you when you least expect it to come. No one can force you to love anyone, nor when you’re down on bended knees, giving in to the feeling you never expect to feel.

I just wish I could apologize to you in person for the pain I inflicted you unintentionally. GOD knows how I regret every minute of it. Not regretting this feeling I have for you, but regretting how this all-begins-with-a-game-in-mind stupidity got you hooked to the real me without realizing the fact presented.

One day, I will let it all out in the open and apologize for making you shudder with pain…

9 September 2005